Chapter 3

Death Calling

I laid there crying as a boy/man I felt nothing for tried and failed to console me for… I don’t even know how long. Eventually I told him I needed to leave; his “consoling” had passed my tolerance threshold. Pain I can deal with. Annoying people? I struggle.

So, I went home. I pulled my mother into a hug, laying her head on my shoulder and crying with me. As I did, I curiously wondered if my eye-socket was crying too, or just my good one. She didn’t care. She fed me guayusa and roasted capy and we sat in front of the fire and talked for cents on end. I learned things about her disability I never knew, and she shared some of her life to console me. It worked to some extent.

Exhausted, I finally crawled up the ladder to my bed chamber and crashed. I woke up to Fylh’s arm around be from behind. She didn’t grip quite as tight as Kil did, but she gripped with longing, not possession. Does that make sense? Tight in the arms, but not the hands. Her fingers rested on my belly, but her arms held tight. She clearly wanted to be there.

“Hey,” I croaked out.

“Hey, love.” I rolled over to see her shape. It was glorious in the night of the jungle, as rain gently pattered on the canopy above. Somehow, I could always feel her smile, hear her lips splitting, somehow see it through her stars like the sun in the darkest of nights. It warmed my heart and my soul. I kissed her with greater fervor than I had ever kissed anyone, and she kissed back harder. We shared our souls and blotted out my pain for cents, and ended up exhausted, sweating, and hot but completely unable to let go of each other.

“I love you,” I told her for the first time.

“I love you too,” she sighed, meaning every word.

I woke up again; she was cuddled up as close as her body would allow. She blearily awoke as I did.

“We shouldn’t have done that,” I croaked without really thinking.

“Why not?”

“Kil is out and about. He’d probably be pretty upset if he knew.”

“Tabby,” she stroked my hair and stared adoringly. “You think he doesn’t already know? How can he not?”

“But he’s so possessive. He couldn’t be more thrilled that I won’t be a Hunter; he wants me to stay at home with him forever. Be a tailor, like him.”

“Love… He knows your heart doesn’t belong to him.”

I cried for the four billionth time. She held my head to her chest and stroked my hair, telling me everything would be all right. For some reason, when she did it, it helped.

“I try so hard to pretend.”

“I know, love.”

“Why wouldn’t he tell me if he knew?”

“I don’t know. Probably to spare you pain.”

“Not to spare me exhaustive effort?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Can I call off the binding, then?”

“Maybe. You’d be branded, though.”

“With—” sniff “With an iron?”

“No,” she chuckled, “as a deserter of love. No one would take you.”

“You would take me.”

“Any and every day of my life.”

She kissed me again, and it felt like my soul was lifted to the godly realms. Everything was good again for that one moment.

“So, why don’t we?”

“Tabby…” She knocked our heads together, my bandages rubbing against her soft hair. I became acutely aware of my wounds again. “We can’t.”

“Why not? You said you love me, I love you, let’s just be together.”

“You’d be an exile. You know deserters can’t come back to the village.”

“So? Let’s run away, be together, damn the consequences!”

“You’re asking me to throw my life away.”

“Why not? Don’t you love me?”

Stupid. A silence came that’s still burned into my mind. A feeling. A tensing, a straightening, a stiffening. It hurts just to think about. It was pain. It was someone she loved dearly betraying her. I know it was an awful thing to say. I don’t know if I knew it at the time.

“Don’t you?” she choked out, straining to hold composure. “If you did, you’d never ask me to.”

That’s when it hit me. As she stood up and gathered her clothes. I couldn’t talk. A sudden, painful awareness of one’s own selfishness has a tendency to hit hard.

“I’m sorry,” was about all I could say, but she didn’t respond. I said it over and over, but she just got dressed and walked out. She stopped at the doorway and turned around.

“I meant it when I said I love you, Tabby. I would be with you for the rest of my life. But I’m not throwing my life away for you. We both have lives to share, and I cherish them both. Find me when you do too.”

That was the last time I cried for a good while. I didn’t stop, though, not for what felt like a lifetime. I cried my one good eye out dry, it might as well have been a shriveled husk like my other. I couldn’t see, I couldn’t think, and I couldn’t breathe through the heaving in my chest.

My life-long dream was destroyed, my body had been mangled, I’d never see well again, I was still bound to spend my life with a boy that did nothing but irritate me, and my best friend, my lover, my love, just walked out on me because I was a selfish idiot.

I screamed, I beat the wall, I buried my face in the furs on my bed. That only made it worse; they smelled like her.

Thinking about it, I’m pretty sure that’s what did it. I smelled her, and it drove into me like a spear through the chest. I may have just ruined things forever with the one person I wanted to share my life with. My best friend and love may never feel the same about me after that moment. I was an idiot, I ruined everything, and from that point forward, no matter what I did, I’d never be satisfied with my life.

I’d either bind myself to an obnoxious bastard and live my life annoyed with a job I hated, I’d get a pity-position by the Hunters like guarding the town, or I’d run off and desert everything I ever knew, only to get eaten by a wild creature, get lost in the Tangle, or… gods-know-what out there. There was no good ending. There was no point anymore.

I felt dead inside, like all my stars had gone out at once. I glanced outside through my tear-stained eye. The night was dim, clouds blotted out the pale blue dot in the sky, and the only light came from the fires around the village.

I stumbled out of my cave and climbed our tree. I climbed to where I knew the highest stable branch was, stories and stories and stories up, and I shimmied out on it. The sight was less breathtaking than usual, just a dull illumination under branches and leaves, black skies with no stars to be seen, a black, blurry forest ahead, just a dead, empty world. Just like me.

It’s difficult to say whether I jumped or fell, but my body left that branch one way or another. As I fell, I didn’t regret it. Nothing mattered anymore. No one cared about me, or if they did, they didn’t matter. Fylh didn’t care anymore, so why does anyone else even matter?

Right before I hit, I thought of my mother. She would be crushed by this. This would be my father dying all over again. It occurred to me that she might not survive it; the tragedy of my death might just take her will to go on living. In that fraction of a second, I regretted everything. Fylh would forgive me, Kil didn’t seem all that bad, and I missed my mom. I just needed time to stop so I could hug her. Everything would be all right.

But time didn’t stop. I was not all right. I fell. I hit a thick branch. Everything went black.

I woke up to a bizarre sight. I was in a forest, but not mine. The trees were solid black; black trunks, black leaves, and they blotted out the sun. In fact, I realized I had no idea how I was seeing anything. Light was coming from nowhere. Then it hit me. The trees had depth.

My hands raced to my face and felt two whole, functioning eyes.

“Oh gods,” I muttered without thinking. “What the crap…”

Then the second thing hit me. As I moved, shadows flew from tree to tree, dancing behind them just out of sight. Light wasn’t coming from nowhere; light was coming from me. I was wearing something I’d never seen before: a robe fit to my body perfectly adorned with baubles of light; three on my chest, one on each bicep, and (assumedly) three on my back.

The robe was black like the trees, but had green accents and trim. The front had an emblem I had trouble making out until I remembered it would be upside-down. It was a bow nocked with a bushel of wheat.

I suddenly knew where I was.

“TABANICA TIRONASH.” A calming voice came from seemingly all directions. It wasn’t distinctly masculine or feminine, just smooth and relaxing.

“My Liege, M’rfae, Master of Hunts.” I fell to my knees without even thinking.

“AMONG OTHER THINGS,” They replied with a hint of a laugh. “QUITE FORMAL.”

“Formality is all I know to address you, my Liege.”

“YOUR VILLAGE IS BUT A TINY FRACTION OF THE WORLD, LITTLE ONE. YOU KNOW SO VERY LITTLE OF YOUR REALM.”

I didn’t know how to respond. It occurred to me that this may well be a fever dream, but something in the back of my head told me otherwise. That is, until they did.

“THIS IS NO DREAM, TABANICA. I SAVED YOU.”

I finally looked up to see a figure before me. They wore a cloak of black furs bound with black leather and green thread. Fine leather armor was fitted perfectly to Their chest and legs, and a longbow was slung over Their shoulder. Their skin was Nojern, warm and familiar, with more active stars and great vibrant cloudy nebulas. Their eyes were star clusters, brilliant and shining.

“DO YOU KNOW WHY I SAVED YOU, TABANICA?”

“My liege, if I may be honest, I don’t know why I’m here. I’m not even sure this is real.”

“IT IS. YOU’RE SAFE IN MY REALM. I PLUCKED YOU FROM WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN CERTAIN DEATH AT YOUR OWN HAND.”

“So… are you going to tell me how my life is worth living and how my mother would be mortified by my death, how the world would be so much worse without me?” Tears welled up in my eyes as a I sassed the god responsible for bountiful hunts and harvests. “Because I think I know that. I think I get it.”

“I AM NOT.”

“Then what? Why did you save me? Why can I see?”

“BECAUSE I WILLED IT. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT INCREDIBLE THINGS YOU’RE DESTINED FOR, TABANICA. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO DO IN YOUR LIFE, I CAN’T HAVE YOU THROWING IT AWAY NOW, SO YOUNG.”

“You—” I coughed again as the words sunk in. “I’m… I’m what?”

“YOU’RE MY PARAGON, TABANICA. I HAVE CHOSEN YOU TO WIELD MY POWER, TO SPREAD MY WORD, AND TO DO GREAT THINGS IN MY NAME.”

“But… But I’m no cleric. I have no magic in me, no power. Fylh has been worshipping you since her birth, why me?”

“YOU COULD NOT BEGIN TO IMAGINE. YOU ARE DESTINED FOR FAR GREATER THINGS THAN YOUR FRIEND, THIS I CAN PROMISE YOU.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“BECAUSE I DON’T ALWAYS GET THE CHANCE TO GIVE THE DRAMATIC SPEECH TO MORTALS, AND IT FEELS GOOD TO GET IT OUT OCCASIONALLY.”

“That… was not the answer I expected.”

“IF I’M BEING HONEST WITH YOU, TABANICA, YOU WON’T REMEMBER THIS CONVERSATION WHEN YOU WAKE UP. YOU’LL BE RIGHT WHERE YOU WOULD HAVE LANDED, KNOWING YOU WERE SAVED. YOU WON’T KNOW WHY, BUT YOU’LL KNOW YOU HAVE A SECOND CHANCE.”

“Then how am I supposed to carry on your message and do, what, great things in your name?”

“YOU WILL KNOW, TABANICA. TRUST ME. NOW WAKE, AND DO WHAT YOU WERE BORN TO DO.”

And then I woke up.